The Excitement & Trauma that Comes with Potential Book Events

The human mind in its own specific capacity is an amazing entity.  I remember reading as a youth that humans only use about 6% of our brain capacity and decades after reading that, its still every unclear exactly what the other 94% of our brain can accomplish.  If you take that reality coupled with having to live under systems dominated by oppression and the resulting dysfunction, its really a roller-coaster ride of unexpected twists and turns navigating through this life.  

In other words, the majority of people who think they know me would automatically assume that my favorite thing is appearing in front of a microphone to talk about the ills of society and the potential we have to address those problems.  Those good folks couldn't be farther from the truth about me though.  In real time I'm actually a very introverted person who would really prefer not to be the center of attention.  The idea of it has always made me extremely uncomfortable.  Just this last Saturday I gave a work shop in front of a room full of people at African Liberation Day.  I have plenty of experience doing this type of thing.  As a result, as usual, I worked my way through my slides, using humor when I could, and making pointed public points that most people would never attempt to say in front of other people.  Over the years, I've developed my own unique disciplined method of presenting which permits me to do so without using any notes (I memorize my primary talking points and proceed from there).  So, I say humbly that to the outside observer it could seem as if doing this is second nature for me, but the energy and commitment that people perceive.  The persona that people think they understand, is really just something I've created to permit me to deliver messages that I believe, with all my heart, need to be delivered.  I believe this to such a full extent that I'm actively working on ways today to ensure my time, efforts, and energies are appreciated and respected (for many years I was so focused on getting the word about injustice out that I didn't properly learn how to make sure I didn't undermine my value in doing so).  Still, for anyone paying any attention, immediately after delivering that message I'm quick to disappear.  Anyone can also observe that my participation in events is never just about my being center stage.  I always and consistently perform every function imaginable e.g. being one of the first to arrive and one of the last to leave.  Cleaning, guiding, helping, doing whatever I can to support all those working with me.  I say all that to emphasize that for me, this work has never been and will never be about me, centered around me.

That's why the concept of book events absolutely terrify me.  Unlike other political education events, the book event, no matter how much I work to tie it into the broader struggle for social justice, is at least on some level going to be about me.  And, the absurdity of it all doesn't escape me.  You work for years, and I mean working vigorously and resolutely, to put out a literary work you can be proud of.  Something that does honor to our ancestors, which is really the only thing I keep telling myself I need to ever be concerned about, but then finally, that work is completed.  For me, the importance of all this writing is again, to get the message out.  I don't care about money, fame, any of that.  I would place my book up against any other literary fiction work to test for value, but I know that this work is far too complex to qualify for the superficial work of reactionary stimuli that poses as literature and art in today's consumer society.  I've talked to too many publishers and agents to be confused here.  They've already confirmed for me multiple times.  My work is very good, but its not "marketable" under their method of operation.  So, I have no illusions about that. I  never have.  My audience is those gentle souls for justice who desire something to lift them up.  To lift all of us up.  My hope is to encourage those souls with what I write.  So, since delivering this message is my entire motivation for producing it in the first place, why am I so terrified?

The answer is couched in the reason why I write and organize in the first place.  Being on the receiving end of more than my share of trauma growing up, I have spent my entire adult life struggling to overcome deep seated feelings of inadequacy and self doubt.  This is also something people who observe me would never guess.  People tell me all the time that I'm a picture of confidence to them and they are not wrong.  As I've said, I've worked my a - - off fighting through my issues, but the truth is the only difference between me and other people is I've reached the place where I'm never going to let my insecurities stop me from doing anything.  Instead, I just bring that baggage along with me with everything I do.  And believe me, that baggage is heavy as hell.  Most recently, I've been packed with fears about whether anyone wants to hear what I have to say or not.  Whether the wonderful people who have volunteered to help me promote this book will wake up and wonder why they did so?  Whether I can weed through this personal stuff to deliver a clear and inspirational message?  Believe me when I tell you I'm haunted to the point of tears constantly by all of this.

The difference again, is despite the pain all of this causes me, I'm never going to give up.  I certainly think about it all the time, but I'm never going to give in to it.  I'm not because the one thing I've learned over the years is an intense hatred of oppression and the exploitation of people.  I absolutely refuse to compromise with it on a level that most people will never understand.  And, I'm crystal clear that oppression is the cause of this trauma I'm haunted by.  I refuse to go out like that by letting that dysfunction win.  I just won't ever do it.  So, I'm slogging forward with my plans to try and piece together as many book events as I can and its happening, slowly, but surely.  And, I'll do them, whether its one or 20, and I'll deliver.  I always do.  And, I'll experience all of the major self doubt before, during, and after I deliver.  I'll probably even convince myself that everyone hated me because that's typically what happens., but I won't stop.

The reason I'm even writing about this isn't because I'm trying to focus on me.  Its because I know I'm not the only person who engages these struggles because I'm not the only person oppressed under this system.  In fact, I know millions suffer this way in scenarios that make mine minor.  So, my hope is that hopefully, these words can encourage you to not quit either.  If you have work and a message of inspiration, don't let them win by discouraging you.  If I can help you in any way (only sincere need apply though.  My capacity is limited), please don't hesitate to reach out.  Those of us producing these messages of art that seek to overcome this oppressive system are the only support each other actually has.  That's really another point.  Something that would really help is more support.  Its disheartening to see people pour so much support into everything that celebrities do.  Into everything that already has so much systemic support while ignoring genuine efforts by sincere people to make change.  Its like a knife to the heart to see people, good people. express support and admiration for police and military who are simply carrying out the agenda for imperialism while ignoring those of us who struggle to make a real difference.  Or, in other words, my grandmother said "even the dead fish can go with the current."  Following unjust orders is not honorable.  Standing up against injustice is. 

Of course, I know why this contradiction exists.  I have the complete analysis and I provide it whenever I do a workshop/presentation, etc., so I'm one of the last people who needs a lecture about it.  I'm just conveying my raw emotions.  Pay attention to those truly trying to make a difference and support those efforts any way you can.  These folks need your support and it helps them continue to forge forward despite the challenges of oppression, lack of resources, etc.

As for me, don't be too concerned.  I'll go through my personal and emotional gauntlet, but I'm getting a little better at learning how to enjoy the moment that I've worked so hard to arrive at.  And, even during the parts I'm struggling with, no matter what happens, now, no matter if no one buys a book, listens to the analysis, and denounces anything I'm doing from here to eternity, I'm never, ever, going to stop.  Malcolm never stopped.  Assata didn't.  Kwame Nkrumah, Sekou Ture, Carlota, Carmen Pierera, none of them ever stopped and they are my inspiration so I'm committed to doing my best to be someone elses.  Besides, I keep telling myself that my personal time clock isn't necessarily the same clock humanity is utilizing.  Its probably going to be years after I'm dead that my literature finds its voice.  Maybe its voice will come stronger without me and in some ways, that's probably going to be better because at least the message will be getting out without the painful process coming with it.